Words, Edgewise and Otherwise

Last night we had one of my wife's FABs over for dinner and during the ensuing discussion I was struck by a few unrelated thoughts.

Firstly, I have to wonder if all people have conversations like the ones my wife and her friends share. They seem to have examined the people around them in vast psychological detail. I'm not sure I'd categorize this as gossip per se as it's not done in a vindictive manner but it's just astounding how much thought they've spent on this analysis. Where other people might discuss politics or world events these two do detailed psychological profiling. I have to wonder if this is some unique characteristic they share and that makes them deeply compatible in that way or if it's just what normal people do. That said, much of it, on the surface, is somewhat redundant from one conversation to the next; I've heard many of the same observations occur in multiple conversations but I think this is really because the purpose is not to exchange new information. Through this communication they're trying to draw new conclusions about the situations and people at question. It's as if they're constructing some vast mathematical proof together and at the end, both parties actually have MORE information than they started out with, some of it generated on the fly. After the conversation is over, those new conclusions are taken into the field and put to the test. Days or weeks later when they come together again results are compared and new conclusions reached. In this way they both come to a deeper understanding of the people around them. It's really quite freakish that all this is hidden in the guise of idle gossip.

Aside from the profiling I'm also astounded at the depth of their conversations about very personal topics; when I defined a FAB a couple weeks ago I don't think I took into proper account the level of emotional intimacy. I'm sure this is more common than I realize but it is somewhat surprising to see it in action. I tend to consider myself a very open person; I'll answer any question put to me almost unholy honestly but I'm not really sure that this makes me at all exceptional. I think that on some very low level people want to be honest and open with others but the variable is the level of trust required for this to occur.

On a personal level, this reminded me of my 'bystander' problem in group situations. I've noted many times before that in 1-on-1 situations people find me relatively amusing because I have a captive audience and the rules of conversation are clear and simple. If the other person's not talking, you talk. Easy enough. However, if you add a third or fourth person all the easy rules go out the window and often there isn't really enough silence to interject very much. I've never quite gotten over the lack of available silence. Luckily in situations where I'm the 'disconnected spouse' this isn't really a concern. If we're out with the wife's friends then being a bystander isn't really a problem and even at my most exuberant I'm still seen as "just sitting there" so additional and costly effort seems unlikely to have a positive impact.

What makes this even more of a concern is the fact that in a few weeks we'll be attending the wedding of one of my former co-workers and for the first time in several years, my wife and I will be with my friends with her as bystander. Frankly, these situations terrify me to no end. In 14 years this has only happened a few times; it's a standing joke in all my workplaces that my wife does not actually exist because so few people have actually met her. The spheres of work and personal life are so utterly separate for me that when they collide I worry about even more unnecessary details than usual: Is my wife uncomfortable? What is she thinking about my friends? Did I say something that offended my wife/my friends? Am I paying enough attention to my wife? If you ask yourself these kinds of questions often enough you can ruin an evening pretty quickly. The real problem, I think, is one of balance. I don't want to focus on the wife too much and exclude my friends as it's these non-work interactions that act as the basis for real and lasting friendships. Sitting here on a Saturday morning with plans to do little except work and write blog entries it's clear that I need more interaction outside the 50-hour workweek. Conversely, I can't ignore the wife because ultimately she's the one I have to connect with my friends. If I can establish a connection between her and the people I enjoy being around then everyone will have fun both at the wedding and outside it. At any rate, if I worry about this enough I'm sure I can manage offend everyone.