To me the idea is simple and intuitive: You decide on no notice to traipse off to the movies and when you get there you watch the next available movie no matter what that happens to be. What could be easier? There are three possible outcomes.
Outcome the first: You end up seeing a movie that you would have seen anyway. Delay of gratification fail but nothing really lost or gained otherwise.
Outcome the second: You see a movie that you would have ignored otherwise and it turns out to have been the most awe-inspiring and amazing cinematic experience of your entire life. Or... some shade of gray between that and “eh, should have stayed home and watched Jerry Springer.”
Outcome the third: You see a movie so bad that you can have endless fun regaling all of your friends/readers/countrymen about just how utterly and absolutely moronic it was and invoke mirth if you tell the story right or at least pity if you don't. With these three possibilities at hand, I fail to see how any such scantily-planned scheme can fail. (As long as you ignore the $7-$12 you paid to get in, anyway.)
So today's winner of $7 was the movie “30 Minutes or Less.” Instinct and reputation said immediately that this movie was an utter loser but one must stay true to one's beliefs so I boldly went forward unto the ticket stand and placed my order. I was immediately accosted by a rather glacial woman next to the cashier who was hanging all over a notebook filled with movie reviews like too much icing on too small a cupcake. “Why'd you pick that one?” she said. Ever-ready and well-rehearsed I went into my standard spiel on movie selection criteria which left her with exactly as much information as she had before. She went on to explain that she lives in Frankfort and “they don't get no fancy movies like this in Frankfort.” Having been born in that town, I can well believe her statement. I turned my attention back to the cashier (a teenage girl) who handed me my ticket and conspiratorially whispered “You'll like it, it's really funny.” Now my doom was assured.
The Previews
Whenever I'm in movies I always think to myself that I should actually make note of the previews and review THOSE so that I can make an informed decision about actually picking a movie later (gasp, I know, sacrilege, right?). In this case, a couple of movies actually struck me as having some weird non-zero potential. The faithful-servant turned crook movie of the fall seems to be “Tower Heist” (due out November 4th) and it intrigued me not only because of its cast of actors I've actually seen before and can name but also it's sort of sweet timeliness. Like any movie-going schmuck I love justice and especially when it's at the expense of rich, powerful corporate types. I'll definitely put this on my “don't offhandedly ignore” list. The other movie that made me actually bother to write down its name in the movie theatre was “Moneyball,” (September 23) a baseball movie about the Oakland A's and their success at using analytical methods to win baseball games rather than relying on the conventional wisdom of 150 years of baseball history. When you put baseball and analytical analysis together you've got me hooked already. So I'll put that down solidly in the “think about going to see on purpose” category.
The Movie
Yes, hard to believe that after ALL that blather there is actually still a movie to be reviewed. Well, before I go on, I should say a bit about spoilers. In this case, there's nothing to be spoiled so no worries. Long story short, Nick's a pizza delivery guy who seems to have only one actual friend, Chet. Chet is the highlight of this pair and he has some wonderful one-liners. Early on he sets the stage for Nick's character with the line: “Dude, you had a Lunchables for dinner last night. You are a total manchild.” That about sums up those two.
Dwayne is the maniacal idiot son of an ex-Marine. He and his sidekick Travis plot to kill Dwayne's dad for the inheritance but in order to do this they need $100,000 to hire a hit-man to whom he is referred by a stripper with the moniker of Juicy. So their plan to get this money, is to call for a pizza delivery and when the delivery guy arrives, they'll strap a bomb to him and make him rob a bank. It's utterly fool-proof. Dwayne and Travis too have a few amusing exchanges but this one made even me blink with a bit of aghast surprise (paraphrasing a bit):
Dwayne: I have an idea for a cash business that's just crawling with hot bitches!
Travis: Taco stand?
Dwayne: No
Travis: Abortion Clinic?
So after much kerfuffle the plan comes to pass. Dwayne and Travis wire Nick with a bomb and he finds himself forced to rob a bank in the company of a surprisingly faithful Chet. The duo makes the standard preparations for the robbery and manage to pull it off in a friendly fashion that gives one faith in the kind, honest hearts of criminals everywhere. After even more unnecessary and gratuitous violence they thwart the bad-guys and even end up with the $100,000 for their trouble which they don't even consider actually returning to the bank. There seems to be little justice in this movie that can't make up its mind whether it wants to be a comedy or an action movie and even takes a short side-trip into the maudlin. This movie gets a solid 3 out of 10 stars due only to the fact that you could get some enjoyment about of the first 30 minutes... assuming you had had enough to drink beforehand.
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