Off the Grid

The other night I bought a new phone. This phone is a lot different from its predecessor in a lot of very important ways. For example, when I ask it to send a text message, it is not required that I go make a sandwich while I wait for it to complete that task. Additionally, when people attempt to call me (which they rarely really attempt to call me) it actually makes a noise as if it wishes in some very kind way to alert me to the fact that someone is trying to contact me. It is features like these that have allowed me to craft a relationship with this new phone in such a short period of time which is far superior to previous phone relationships I’ve had in which I wish nothing more than to hurl the phone across the room and batter it against a wall rejoicing as it explodes into a million little pieces.

With this wonderful piece of technology I can read my email both from work and from my ever-busy personal email account in real time. I can download an app that will alert me immediately whenever one of my beloved Facebook friends posts a new photograph of a happy kitten clinging by its delicate, tiny claws to a clothesline. “Oh! Hang in there kitty,” I will doubtless gasp! For the small sum of 99 cents I can get an app that will tell me whenever anyone else who’s running that app is in the neighborhood and I even know where everyone I’ve ever met is at every single moment of every single day. And don’t even get me started on the amazing hourly updates on the doings of everyone’s favorite Croatian Footballer Slaven Bilic. Twitter you will be my lifeline to the world!

I could, but frankly, fuck that. Why in the hell would I need to know in near real time, while I’m driving down the street, when some damned blog spammer from upper Yakutsk leaves me a blog comment that says, “I’m glad to be able to join this wonderful community.” Seriously. So this phone will be just that. A phone. If somebody REALLY thinks they need to contact me, they can call but I’m done with being outside in the forest and hearing the phone go “BLOOP” because someone sent me an offer to download an illegal copy of some movie that I’ve never heard of and will doubtless never watch.

In a slightly more serious vein, it’s easy to get addicted to the constant input that today’s overly-connected age offers us. We can choose to deluge ourselves with any number of things at all times. I can listen to radio live from Australia, monitor a dozen email accounts and be alerted to the goings on of enough people that I’d be able to accomplish precious little else except passively accept that input. The consequence of all that is that instead of focusing on each other and forging relationships with people who are actually in the room, we’re all constantly staring at our phones. The ‘new email’ alert sounds and the tension builds second by second to see who will check their phone first to see if this email is the pirated movie download I’ve been waiting for all these years!

So with that, I’m done with the age of communications. My phone will serve me and be my slave, not the other way around. And with that out of the way… let’s do lunch!