Real Spells. Real Fun. Trap-A-Vampire

Here we go... just in time for the Holidays, it's the spell I know you'll all need tomorrow.
[My Comments in square brackets. See yesterday's post for the back story on this.]

** Spell Begins
Trap-A-Vampire Spell

Vampires, like genies, may be trapped in bottles. Choose a glass or metal bottle; presumably the vampire can bite through a plastic one. This spell works on the same principle as a fly-trap. [Whoa now, slow down a minute. Presumably? I'm here bottling the undead and you're hitting me with your 'presumptions' about the equipment? You'd best have this all properly planned out before I go tracking down Nosferatu. It's crap instructions like these that get people eaten alive.]

1. Place some kind of food the vampire likes inside the bottle, but not blood. [And how, exactly, am I supposed to ascertain this little nugget of information? Shall I ask? Perhaps present him with a menu? It's a vampire. All it friggin' EATS is blood. Jeeze.]
This spell works on a vampire who is understood to have once been a regular person with predilections for human food. [Oh, so a former human then. Aren't MOST vampires supposed to be former humans? And last I checked, most HUMANS have a natural taste for HUMAN food. It's pretty natural. Dogs... Dog Food... yeah, see how that works?]
Find something particularly tempting and put it in the bottle. [... and then prepare to die. So yeah, figure out what ELSE the vampire might like to eat besides human blood and put in the bottle. Damn! That's so simple. Sure hope 'ole Dracula had a taste for food small enough to FIT into a stinkin' bottle. Somehow I'd feel more comfortable with a box, a stick and a few feet of string. At least you can FIT a meal into a Wile-E-Coyote style box trap.]

2. You will know when the vampire is in the bottle when you observe a bit of straw of fluff within. [Assuming, of course, that you cleaned out the bottle in the first place. You'd sure hate to mistake a bit of belly button lint for the undead. Imagine your embarrassment.] Seal the bottle up securely. [After you've snuck up on bottle so the lint can't see you, plug the top with some of that watermelon you couldn't fit into the bottle in the first place.]

3. The bottle and the vampire may be destroyed by throwing the sealed bottle into a fire. [Crap. But then I'll lose my 5 cent deposit. Screw it, those villagers can just watch out for themselves.]

** Spell Ends

It's exactly this reason that it's EXTREMELY important to keep track of all your friend's favorite foods. You never know when you may need to tempt them into a bottle and trap them.

Tomorrow's Spell: Placenta Pregnancy Delay Spell