Real Spells. Real Fun. Placenta Pregnancy Delay Spell

Today’s spell from "The Element Encyclopedia of 5000 Spells. The Ultimate Reference Book for the Magical Arts."

[My comments in square brackets.]

** Spell Begins

Placenta Pregnancy Delay Spell – Hills and Valleys

Many contraceptive spells are cooperative ones between a man and a woman, with much of the action [or more likely INaction] traditionally performed by the father, as with this Cherokee ritual. If the father is unavailable or unable to do this, someone else may be delegated by the mother to perform the spell. This spell is intended to prevent pregnancy following too quickly upon the heels of a birth. The spell must be cast immediately following that first birth.

1. Carry the placenta, with respect and reverence [meaning: at arms length as far from the face as possible], far from home. [preferably to the home of your in-laws]
2. Ideally several hills are crossed, with each hill representing another year before a new baby is born. (If there are no hills, designate and articulate other landmarks as substitutes.) [how convenient] Consider how many hills to cross. [you’ll have plenty of time to think as you walk around with this rotting placenta in your arms]
3. When the proper destination has been found, the placenta is buried in Earth.

** Spell Ends

Alright, well as grotesque as this spell is, I can see some truth hiding here. I’m pretty sure that if I walked around carrying a placenta that my wife wouldn’t want anything to do with me for a while either.