Real Spells. Real Fun. Beef Tongue Court Case Spell

Alright, so I was at the bookstore and I saw this fun looking book called "The Element Encyclopedia of 5000 Spells. The Ultimate Reference Book for the Magical Arts." Now I don't even HAVE to pick this thing up and look through it. It's a done deal. This book is SOLD. I figure there are two possibilities. Either:

A. This is a real spell book and the people think they're really publishing magical spells to do... well, stuff.
B. This is a historical book talking about what crazy people used to do when they thought they were using magical spells to do... well, stuff.

In my opinion, this was a win-win scenario. Either way, there's big-mega-mystic fun to be had.

After thumbing through this a bit, I will admit that I'm not really 100% sure which way these people are going. It has a clear disclaimer on the back though:

"Any reader uses the spells entirely at their own risk and the author and publisher accept no liability if the spells to not have their desired effector if adverse effects are caused."

So yeah, this is serious business folks. Don't be trying this crap without a licensed witch or you may end up needing a witch... doctor... hey-HEY? Get it... witchd... oh hell, never mind.

Let's begin, let's open the 1105 page book to a random page... page 226...
[any commentary from me will be in square brackets]

** Spell Begins:

Beef Tongue Court Case Spell (I) The Basic Version

This spell is intended to provide legal victory.

1. Write the names of the judge, attorneys, adversaries, anyone who's involved in your case who may be perceived as your opponent or an ally of your opponent on individual slips of paper, about the size of the fortune in a fortune cookie. Each name gets its own piece of paper.
2. Using a sharp knife, cut slits into a beef tongue, one slit per paper. [Oh, I can see where THIS is going.]
3. Insert one name paper into each slit. [DAMN! I knew it!]
4. Sprinkle with cayenne pepper and vinegar. [and salt to taste]
5. Close the slits with pins and needles.
6. Wrap the tongue up and place it securely in your freezer for at least a year or until you're sure all danger has passed. [or until we have the technology to bring the tongue back to life and cure whatever killed the cow... last I checked though, there was no cure for slaughtering.]

** Spell Ends.

Um... yeah, good luck with that. I'm gonna recommend that after you're done screwing around with the dead cow lingus, maybe, I dunno, hire a lawyer?

Tomorrow's spell: Trap-A-Vampire!