There comes, I think, in the lives of many introverted people a time when all the fellowship and goodwill is sucked out of a place or group of people. For example, I changed high schools twice when I was a wee lad and each time I felt a keen and overwhelming sense of relief. It felt as if the people around me had simply used up all their extroverted goodwill towards me and gone back to revolving in their own private circles. I hoped somehow that after moving this new set of people would come along and I could somehow have a ‘fresh start’ with them. It wasn’t that I disliked the old set of people or was tired of them; heck, in most cases, I barely knew anybody and in their own way they’d tried to approach me at some point but had been rebuffed in some way or simply lost interest.
It’s not as if I’ve intentionally pushed people away in my life but for some reason, once they get to know me just the tiniest little bit they all just seem to slowly back away. Even today, I don’t know if it’s that they find out something about me that disturbs them or that I simply don’t provide the right social feedback to them to make them feel like their efforts are fully appreciated. It would be handy to talk to someone that would tell me frankly and openly what it is about me that spooks people.
Whatever this problem is, it is also inherited by my blog. Most of the people that I know in real life who are aware of my blog have stopped reading it for some reason that I simply can’t explain. Perhaps it’s my duty to honesty. I tell things frankly and openly the way I see them to an almost insulting degree. I call a duck a duck when I see it and await counterargument. Sadly, most of the time I don’t get any argument, the disagreeing parties simply disappear into the ether. Or if they do argue, it’s with nonsensical repetition of their original statements.
So yeah, in my life I’ve managed to alienate two high schools, six workplaces and innumerable random unconnected people and I have absolutely no idea why. Well, no idea with any certainty anyway. It seems apparent that something in my wiring is incompatible with the bulk of humankind. Even if I knew what it was, would it be worth correcting? What would I have to give up in exchange? What would I gain, if anything?
I do sincerely wonder what it would be like to have… well, actual friends, people that I could actually TALK to beyond the realm of meaningless small talk. People I connect with, have things in common with and can actually be open with. Now, I should point out here that I do HAVE friends (family doesn’t count), exactly two in fact. I’ll say that they’re both great people and are damn entertaining to talk to but I don’t really DO anything with them. An occasional lunch perhaps but it’s not like we’re taking off to concerts together or building a deck. What changes would be wrought in my life if I had 10 such friends? Or 20 and we actually did things together? Or even three? What is it that keeps me from building that easy rapport with anyone and everyone I meet? I’ve seen it done a million times, so why can’t I recreate it? What is this basic human skill that I’ve completely failed to master? Ahh… the myriad meandering convolutions of the human mind…
2 comments:
Goodness. When I read this it was almost like reading something that I could have written -- especially in the last couple of days.
Because Laura has left on a business trip until late Friday, I realized (like a ton of bricks landing on my head) how she's not just my best friend, but basically my only friend. I have many acquaintences, but I can't think of a single thing that I can do with anyone during this coming week. What a wake-up call! In fact, I believe that if I call anyone and asked them whether they want to do something with me they'd wonder what the heck was wrong with me.
I guess you and I are just very private people Rob. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. What I do find taxing is when I think I should be different -- when I think I should be able to pick up the phone and be hiking a trail an hour later with some buddy. But I'm not sure I really want that. Deep down I think that things are exactly the way they should be.
Maybe not. I'm not sure.
If I feel fine at the end of the week, and I spend nearly all my free time alone, then there's no problem. If I'm not fine because I do get lonely, then perhaps I need to work on cultivating friendships a bit more. But if I'm not fine at the end of the week because I didn't initiate any activities with others, but felt as if I should, then perhaps the problem is that I *think* I should be doing something, when there's no reason to.
You know I've had a lot of feedback on this post and it seems to echo yours. For whatever reason, men apparently just don't have friends anymore. What the heck happened? Didn't dads back int he 80s have friends or has that always been a non-issue and we were just fooling ourselves?
As for being private, I'm not private. I spew all sorts of semi-offensive crap on this blog. More than anybody would really want to know about me. I'm an open book, man. To boot, half of my pages are blowing around in the wind.
I guess I'm similarly uncertain about exactly how many friends a person should have. Perhaps none is the norm after a guy gets married. It just seems thought that you have to fill in the non-wife gaps somewhere. My wife and I share a lot of common groud but not EVERYTHING. Someone's gotta fill in my penchant for numismatics or learning some random foreign language or obscure but once-famous literature. It would be nice to have some friend person to fill in those gaps where my wife and other people close to me just fit. I guess if there are no gaps to fill then all you really need is a wife. Hrm.
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