Real Spells. Real Fun. Boss Fix Powder

Here it is, today’s spell from "The Element Encyclopedia of 5000 Spells. The Ultimate Reference Book for the Magical Arts." Why the hell do I have a spell book you might ask? See the previous posts on this topic for the back story.

[My comments in green and with square brackets; the balance of the text is straight from the book.]

** Spell Begins:
Boss Fix Powder

Is going to work a less than satisfying experience? Perhaps it’s not the job that’s the problem; maybe you have a supervisor or boss who persecutes you, picks on you, is never satisfied with your and generally makes going to work the equivalent of going to hell? You don’t want to leave your job; you’d just like your boss to leave you alone.

The Hoodoo solution is Boss Fix Powder.

According to its most extravagant promises, this spell allegedly causes supervisors to consider you with love and favor. At its more realistic, [it makes them fire you for screwing around with their personal property and stealing their cigarettes] it offers a boundary line so that at least you’ll be left alone to perform your job in peace. [until they can hire your replacement]

1. Empty the tobacco from one cigarette. (In order of preference: a cigarette that actually belonged to your boss, his or her favorite brand, any cigarette, [dry grass clippings from your front lawn])

2. Combine it with some shredded newspaper. (In order of preference: your boss’s actual newspaper, a copy of a newspaper he or she favors, any newspaper, [a sheet of paper on which you’ve written the word NEWSPAPER neatly across the top in crayon])

3. Add some chili powder and grind all the ingredients together into a fine powder. [add salt to taste]

4. Make sure the powder is fine: this is intended to be a very discreet spell. Your boss already doesn’t like you! [because you’ve stolen his paper and cigarettes]

5. When the opportunity arises, sprinkle just a tiny bit of powder on or around your boss’s chair. If that’s too much of a risk, drop a little over the threshold of the office, so that he or she will inevitably step over it. [Or even better, offer your boss a pinch of it; refer to it as ‘the finest Chinese beetle snuff’ available]

This is a highly individual spell, tailored toward one target. [unless you went the generic route and just ground up any old newspaper]. If more than one person persecutes you, make fresh Boss Fix for each person.

** Spell Ends

Alternatively, just sit down and talk to your boss and stop getting your employment advice from the Stigeon Witches.

Real Spells. Real Fun. Ochossi’s Employment Spell

Here it is, today’s spell from "The Element Encyclopedia of 5000 Spells. The Ultimate Reference Book for the Magical Arts." Why the hell do I have a spell book you might ask? See the previous posts on this topic for the back story.

[My comments in green and with square brackets, the balance of the text is straight from the book.]

** Spell Begins:
Ochossi’s Employment Spell

Ochossi, the divine hunter, may be petitioned for assistance with locating and bagging employment. [After a long tradition as a mighty hunter, Ochossi has apparently been downgraded to working as an employment counselor. How very disappointed his divine parents must be.] Traditionally an altar is created for him within a forest. An offering laid before a tree in a park is the best alternative. [Because Ochossi often hunts for children in the park, he can stop by and get schnockered up on your offering.] If neither is possible, recreate Ochossi’s home in your own. Arrange woodland images around an altar. Bring Ochossi offerings. [Be sure to leave your front door unlocked as Ochossi is not a locksmith.]

1. Fill a small terracotta bowl with honey.
2. Place seven silver-colored coins around it (they do not have to be real silver).
[Okay, I’ve never heard of anyone who would do ANYTHING worthwhile for 35 cents so you might want to go with real silver here.]
3. Ochossi prefers rum or cachaca. Offer him an entire bottle, [now you’re talkin’!] although it can be a small airline-sized one. [bullshit. Find your own job.] Open it for him. [This may not be his first offering of the night so best to play it safe.] (Some take a mouthful of liquor and without swallowing any, blow it onto the altar.) [Right, just what Ochossi wants, a sticky altar with your backwash in it.]

4. Add some honey-roasted peanuts. [Is this a spell or instructions for opening your own bar?]

5. Speak with the orisha; tell him what you need. [Probably something like: “I swear officer, I’m not drunk, I’m trying to find a job… no, I know I smell like rum but… wait, can I at least get my seven nickels back?”]

** Spell Ends

Alright, this is almost as stupid as the beef tongue spell. I’d suggest as an alternative that you use your seven nickels to have a couple nice résumés printed at the drugstore and perhaps take the bottle of rum to help ‘lubricate’ the job interview. I’m sure that’ll be much more effective and less likely to get you taken off to the drunk tank.

Real Spells. Real Fun. Placenta Pregnancy Delay Spell

Today’s spell from "The Element Encyclopedia of 5000 Spells. The Ultimate Reference Book for the Magical Arts."

[My comments in square brackets.]

** Spell Begins

Placenta Pregnancy Delay Spell – Hills and Valleys

Many contraceptive spells are cooperative ones between a man and a woman, with much of the action [or more likely INaction] traditionally performed by the father, as with this Cherokee ritual. If the father is unavailable or unable to do this, someone else may be delegated by the mother to perform the spell. This spell is intended to prevent pregnancy following too quickly upon the heels of a birth. The spell must be cast immediately following that first birth.

1. Carry the placenta, with respect and reverence [meaning: at arms length as far from the face as possible], far from home. [preferably to the home of your in-laws]
2. Ideally several hills are crossed, with each hill representing another year before a new baby is born. (If there are no hills, designate and articulate other landmarks as substitutes.) [how convenient] Consider how many hills to cross. [you’ll have plenty of time to think as you walk around with this rotting placenta in your arms]
3. When the proper destination has been found, the placenta is buried in Earth.

** Spell Ends

Alright, well as grotesque as this spell is, I can see some truth hiding here. I’m pretty sure that if I walked around carrying a placenta that my wife wouldn’t want anything to do with me for a while either.

Real Spells. Real Fun. Trap-A-Vampire

Here we go... just in time for the Holidays, it's the spell I know you'll all need tomorrow.
[My Comments in square brackets. See yesterday's post for the back story on this.]

** Spell Begins
Trap-A-Vampire Spell

Vampires, like genies, may be trapped in bottles. Choose a glass or metal bottle; presumably the vampire can bite through a plastic one. This spell works on the same principle as a fly-trap. [Whoa now, slow down a minute. Presumably? I'm here bottling the undead and you're hitting me with your 'presumptions' about the equipment? You'd best have this all properly planned out before I go tracking down Nosferatu. It's crap instructions like these that get people eaten alive.]

1. Place some kind of food the vampire likes inside the bottle, but not blood. [And how, exactly, am I supposed to ascertain this little nugget of information? Shall I ask? Perhaps present him with a menu? It's a vampire. All it friggin' EATS is blood. Jeeze.]
This spell works on a vampire who is understood to have once been a regular person with predilections for human food. [Oh, so a former human then. Aren't MOST vampires supposed to be former humans? And last I checked, most HUMANS have a natural taste for HUMAN food. It's pretty natural. Dogs... Dog Food... yeah, see how that works?]
Find something particularly tempting and put it in the bottle. [... and then prepare to die. So yeah, figure out what ELSE the vampire might like to eat besides human blood and put in the bottle. Damn! That's so simple. Sure hope 'ole Dracula had a taste for food small enough to FIT into a stinkin' bottle. Somehow I'd feel more comfortable with a box, a stick and a few feet of string. At least you can FIT a meal into a Wile-E-Coyote style box trap.]

2. You will know when the vampire is in the bottle when you observe a bit of straw of fluff within. [Assuming, of course, that you cleaned out the bottle in the first place. You'd sure hate to mistake a bit of belly button lint for the undead. Imagine your embarrassment.] Seal the bottle up securely. [After you've snuck up on bottle so the lint can't see you, plug the top with some of that watermelon you couldn't fit into the bottle in the first place.]

3. The bottle and the vampire may be destroyed by throwing the sealed bottle into a fire. [Crap. But then I'll lose my 5 cent deposit. Screw it, those villagers can just watch out for themselves.]

** Spell Ends

It's exactly this reason that it's EXTREMELY important to keep track of all your friend's favorite foods. You never know when you may need to tempt them into a bottle and trap them.

Tomorrow's Spell: Placenta Pregnancy Delay Spell

Real Spells. Real Fun. Beef Tongue Court Case Spell

Alright, so I was at the bookstore and I saw this fun looking book called "The Element Encyclopedia of 5000 Spells. The Ultimate Reference Book for the Magical Arts." Now I don't even HAVE to pick this thing up and look through it. It's a done deal. This book is SOLD. I figure there are two possibilities. Either:

A. This is a real spell book and the people think they're really publishing magical spells to do... well, stuff.
B. This is a historical book talking about what crazy people used to do when they thought they were using magical spells to do... well, stuff.

In my opinion, this was a win-win scenario. Either way, there's big-mega-mystic fun to be had.

After thumbing through this a bit, I will admit that I'm not really 100% sure which way these people are going. It has a clear disclaimer on the back though:

"Any reader uses the spells entirely at their own risk and the author and publisher accept no liability if the spells to not have their desired effector if adverse effects are caused."

So yeah, this is serious business folks. Don't be trying this crap without a licensed witch or you may end up needing a witch... doctor... hey-HEY? Get it... witchd... oh hell, never mind.

Let's begin, let's open the 1105 page book to a random page... page 226...
[any commentary from me will be in square brackets]

** Spell Begins:

Beef Tongue Court Case Spell (I) The Basic Version

This spell is intended to provide legal victory.

1. Write the names of the judge, attorneys, adversaries, anyone who's involved in your case who may be perceived as your opponent or an ally of your opponent on individual slips of paper, about the size of the fortune in a fortune cookie. Each name gets its own piece of paper.
2. Using a sharp knife, cut slits into a beef tongue, one slit per paper. [Oh, I can see where THIS is going.]
3. Insert one name paper into each slit. [DAMN! I knew it!]
4. Sprinkle with cayenne pepper and vinegar. [and salt to taste]
5. Close the slits with pins and needles.
6. Wrap the tongue up and place it securely in your freezer for at least a year or until you're sure all danger has passed. [or until we have the technology to bring the tongue back to life and cure whatever killed the cow... last I checked though, there was no cure for slaughtering.]

** Spell Ends.

Um... yeah, good luck with that. I'm gonna recommend that after you're done screwing around with the dead cow lingus, maybe, I dunno, hire a lawyer?

Tomorrow's spell: Trap-A-Vampire!