Real Spells. Real Fun. Ochossi’s Employment Spell

Here it is, today’s spell from "The Element Encyclopedia of 5000 Spells. The Ultimate Reference Book for the Magical Arts." Why the hell do I have a spell book you might ask? See the previous posts on this topic for the back story.

[My comments in green and with square brackets, the balance of the text is straight from the book.]

** Spell Begins:
Ochossi’s Employment Spell

Ochossi, the divine hunter, may be petitioned for assistance with locating and bagging employment. [After a long tradition as a mighty hunter, Ochossi has apparently been downgraded to working as an employment counselor. How very disappointed his divine parents must be.] Traditionally an altar is created for him within a forest. An offering laid before a tree in a park is the best alternative. [Because Ochossi often hunts for children in the park, he can stop by and get schnockered up on your offering.] If neither is possible, recreate Ochossi’s home in your own. Arrange woodland images around an altar. Bring Ochossi offerings. [Be sure to leave your front door unlocked as Ochossi is not a locksmith.]

1. Fill a small terracotta bowl with honey.
2. Place seven silver-colored coins around it (they do not have to be real silver).
[Okay, I’ve never heard of anyone who would do ANYTHING worthwhile for 35 cents so you might want to go with real silver here.]
3. Ochossi prefers rum or cachaca. Offer him an entire bottle, [now you’re talkin’!] although it can be a small airline-sized one. [bullshit. Find your own job.] Open it for him. [This may not be his first offering of the night so best to play it safe.] (Some take a mouthful of liquor and without swallowing any, blow it onto the altar.) [Right, just what Ochossi wants, a sticky altar with your backwash in it.]

4. Add some honey-roasted peanuts. [Is this a spell or instructions for opening your own bar?]

5. Speak with the orisha; tell him what you need. [Probably something like: “I swear officer, I’m not drunk, I’m trying to find a job… no, I know I smell like rum but… wait, can I at least get my seven nickels back?”]

** Spell Ends

Alright, this is almost as stupid as the beef tongue spell. I’d suggest as an alternative that you use your seven nickels to have a couple nice résumés printed at the drugstore and perhaps take the bottle of rum to help ‘lubricate’ the job interview. I’m sure that’ll be much more effective and less likely to get you taken off to the drunk tank.