Personal: Echoes of Solitude

I have, as of late, avoided posts of a personal nature. In part, I think that’s because I’ve tended to have a less public venue for my personal outpourings and in part it’s just damn embarrassing. Both for me and for my readers because honestly, who wants to read someone’s innermost struggles online? I know I do, but then I’m all about figuring out how people work.

At any rate, as I sit here looking about this apartment on a Wednesday night I’m struck by the need to be doing something. I don’t mean walking about by myself in Zionsville in the dark taking night photos. I don’t mean sitting reading a book. I’ve found as time goes on that I need people. People are really important to me and yet in some bizarre way I have the damnedest time relating to them. I am, if we must be utterly honest, terrified of people. Well, amend that slightly. I’m terrified of people that I don’t have some sort of handle on. People at work are a snap because I have an “in” with them. I can talk about work! What could be more natural than that? Unfortunately, that seems to be just about ALL I can talk about at work.

For example, one of my coworkers is leaving our company soon and it was announced today. I sent him a short missive that said, in a nutshell, how much I appreciated the work he had done and that one of the things that I really admired about him was the fact that he managed to really get things done but also forged personal bonds with people. He’s just an amazingly nice guy and people can sense that and appreciate it. Meanwhile, I’m off in the corner just sort of working away and I suspect that people think of me as “Rob, that guy that does the work” but it ends at that. My coworker is real. He’s human. People like him and relate to him. I feel most days like I’m just a drone. I come in, I’m good at what I do and then after the work day ends I vanish (unless there’s an emergency support call). For the most part people don’t know how to really relate to me. It’s clearly not their fault, but I can’t help but feel that there’s some part of me that’s missing. That they try to connect and all there is in response is empty air.

Anyway, my personality dysfunctions aside, I was reflecting tonight on my situation and realized that my feelings of isolation, as they always are, are self-induced or at the least a function of my anthropophobic tendencies. It is not that life does not throw ample opportunity at me for social interaction but much more that I simply fail to grasp it. For example, let’s just look at the calendar for the next several days. Tomorrow the Center for Inquiry has an event going on that sounds pretty interesting: “The Dark side of the Sacred.” If that doesn’t scream, “Rob Slaven come see this!!” I don’t know what the hell does. Friday through Sunday morning I have my girls over so that’s certainly accounted for. Sunday afternoon I have an Ultimate Frisby (whatever the hell THAT means) invite that I should not ignore. Monday I have photography class where I will sit quietly in the corner and fearfully not really participate. (Yes, I realize that anyone reading this from my workplace will be totally agog at the idea of me sitting quietly anywhere.) Tuesday I can go to a classic movies discussion. (assuming I can find and see the subject movie by that time). Wednesday I can…. Well. Hrm. Not much going on Wednesday. Perhaps I’ll relax that day… anyway, point is that there’s SO much crap going on. There is absolutely NO excuse to be sitting here on my own. The whole world teems with ideas and activity for those willing to partake of them…

It really is funny, in an odd sort of way, that someone who seeks so vehemently the company and friendship of others is so incapable (scratch that, not incapable, but inherently unskilled in) of taking advantage of all that the vast society around him has to offer. In times of more assiduous reflection, it seems clear that society would welcome my contributions if only I were more readily capable of producing them and making them clear to those around me. Sadly, this tiny and ill-heard forum is insufficient to bridge that gap. One voice crying out in the forest is far from sufficient. The voice will have to take to its legs and go forth unto the people. And once there, proclaim itself to be appreciated…