From Plastic Monkeys to Axe-wielding Maniacs

At the end of this month, it will be 15 months that I’ve been working at home and to be quite honest, there are some days when I just want to get my daughter on the bus and sit quietly staring out the window for 8 hours until she gets back home. I remember having this exact same feeling in school as a lad because I suffered from basically the exact same conditions. Despite the fact that there were people all around me I was more or less completely isolated socially. The reasons are relatively varied and no doubt already documented somewhere in this long and semi-periodic exposition of a blog but the effect was largely the same. I spent the first 18 years of my life interacting with the same 2-3 people and here again I find myself in the same situation. Except for the Christmas Eve out with The Boss and his Wife, my sphere of meaningful and non-work conversation has been exactly four people, two face-to-face and two electronic for the last year or more. Somehow, ‘speaking’ to someone electronically just doesn’t quite cut it.

I’m told, oddly, that this is just the way it is. Modern men just don’t have friends. If this is the case, then that completely sucks. So while my wife is chattering away with her friends for hours on end, going out for ‘coffee’ and throwing baby showers for people I’m just supposed to sit here in my stew of whatever it is I happen to be doing this month? Or perhaps just answer an email or two? What a hollow life society bestows upon us.

It is useful to note though that it was not always this way. When I worked in Customer Support at a software company we were a very tightly-knit group. I actually still talk to some of those people. It is this act of communicating with someone across such barriers of inconvenience that form my primary definition of friendship. In no job since that one though, have I come even remotely close to ‘making a friend.’ I can’t imagine for a moment that the Customer Support people were any more or less compatible with me than my subsequent co-workers but clearly the environment is different enough to keep a considerable distance between me and the person working next to me. Working at home though I don’t even have a ‘next to me’ so whatever hope there may have been for crossing those barriers is long gone.

Over the years I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m simply poorly suited to socialize at any level. I read a study once about baby monkeys who were taken from their mothers and instead fed by plastic ‘mothers’ made up to look like adult monkeys. The ‘mothers’ were basically just food dispensers. The baby could go to its ‘mother’ and suckle and were fed as well as normal monkeys but never had any social interaction with an adult, just a plastic doll. When these monkeys grew up they just sat in the corner terrified to move. It’s hard not to cry when you think about those poor monkeys especially when in many ways you ARE one of those monkeys. My mother was just about as much like a plastic mannequin as a person can get. I always had plenty to eat and suitable clothing but on an emotional level it was clear I was merely in the way. Family lore even has it that when my father saw my mother in the hospital after I had been taken off to the nursery her first words to him were, “How are the dogs?” I was a mere afterthought, a mere biological inconvenience, an exceptional bit of afterbirth not so easily disposed of.

Penultimately, it’s worth writing down a few of the theoretical solutions to this little “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” conundrum. The first and most obvious is to simply ‘go back to the office’. This is a doomed proposition though in my mind. First and foremost, I worked in the office for 2 years and didn’t manage to make even an iota of progress. I spent the first year sitting literally thrust into a corner by myself. I ticked off whole WEEKS on my calendar when I spoke to nobody in the whole company except for my own boss (amusingly an acquaintance from the Customer Support job). I was as good as a remote employee even when I was in the office. By the time the office had expanded enough that I had immediate neighbors I was already established as the ‘hermit in the corner’ and had a personality poorly equipped to overcome such an image. Add to that the fact that the last time I was in the office I felt like a downright disruption rather than a visitor and I think we can safely conclude that going back to work in the office isn’t the way to break out of my bubble. If anything, it’s more likely to deepen my existing cynicism.

It has also been proposed that I should go take a class at one of the many local colleges. While I don’t disagree with this proposal, the timing couldn’t be worse. I’d happily go take a writing class at U of I and probably will if I think about it at the right time but classes just started so one can’t simply break in in the middle of a semester. I’ll file that away for later consideration.

The third and crappiest option that occurs to me is to simply increase my online chattering. There is no end of random lonely people on the internet which may share enough of my interests to be interesting to talk to. Perhaps there’s a book club out there that reads literature rather than whatever the current Oprah selection is.

One thing that I can take from this with certainty is that most of the isolation I feel is completely my own fault. My current company prides itself on a sense of cohesiveness and to look at those outside my bubble that does indeed seem to be the case. They get along perfectly (at least from my perspective in the bubble) and seem to have a lot of ‘fun’. The conclusion one is forced to is that I’m the one screwing up. Perhaps it’s leftover from the schoolyards of my boyhood but whenever I approach someone to interact I can’t get over the thought that it’s probable that I’m disturbing them in some way. That they would just as soon roll along in whatever track they were traveling than be diverted by any of my inane babblings. I’m sure that attitude, though born of benevolence on my part, makes me look like an ass to the outside world. In some twisted way, I think I have to be less considerate of others (at least from my viewpoint) in order to be seen as friendly or approachable. I suspect this is how the baby monkeys feel too.

Latest Projects & Contest with a Prize!

Since I know that you're all just on the edge of your collective seat to know what I've done in the woodshop lately I'll tell you.

I went out and spent a bit of that leftover cash on a scroll saw. Even at $250 it was a dern fine investment in my opinion. I carved someone's name out of a 2x6 in traditional 'Robert Indiana' style:



And made someone else a traditional old-timey toolbox. Considering her age isn't exactly compatible with tools per se I instead cut her a few letters to go in it:



Of all the projects I've done, I have to say that I'm the most satisfied with this one. The design was arrived at in my standard typical meandering style and ended up as a viable and useful finished product. Beyond that, the wood was all just leftover scrap from the shop so it was basically free (give or take a few broken saw blades.)

Oh, I promised a contest. I made a number of extra letters for various reasons (3 Ds so she could spell Daddy, 4 Es so she can spell her own full name, etc). So the contest is a simple one. The person who comes up with the best English phrase or sentence to use as many of these letters as possible will win a SIGnificant prize! So here they are, go at it:

A - 3
B - 1
C - 1
D - 3
E - 4
F - 1
G - 2
H - 1
I - 2
J - 1
K - 1
L - 3
M - 3
N - 2
O - 3
P - 2
Q - 1
R - 1
S - 3
T - 3
U - 2
V - 1
W - 1
X - 1
Y - 1
Z - 1

Goin’ to Church

Yes indeed, you read that correctly. Last Christmas Eve we took ourselves down to the local church and got us some religion. We went to one of those new fangled churches down the street. It was… well, really surprising. I kept wondering to myself, “OK, when is the headliner going to come out?” It was really more like a pop concert than a church and I can’t for the life of me twist the event around in my head enough times to make it feel right. It did though, do a lot to solidify my thinking on religion as it’s practiced in this country.

So we walked into the place and it’s a HUGE space with 3 big-screen TVs at the front with some burning flame graphic playing and a countdown sequence. We got there, I’ll have you know, with 3 minutes and 24 seconds to spare. After the countdown to liftoff passed we got down to business: thirty minutes of religious songs accompanied by a decent-sized band and 7 or 8 singers who took it in turns to act as the lead. I was not aware that churches had traded their choirs for rock bands. I was more than a little disappointed.

After all the singing, we finally got to the message. This was REALLY horrifying. The premise was perfectly fine; it was the usual claptrap about how we’re not really alone and Jesus is always there for us, etc, etc, etc. No problem with that. I didn’t have a problem until Jesus WALKED ONTO THE STAGE. Yeah, I know. Most of you are just sitting there thinking, “Um, so what?” And yes, I know you heard me and you still don’t think a thing about it. Please understand that I’m not a religious person but this horrifies me on behalf of the entirety of the Christian faith. They actually had someone dress up as Jesus and prance about on the stage. Now, he was very dignified and all but the fact is that a person, a lowly human, dressed as Jesus, your savior and embodiment of God, and walked around in front of a crowd. At the VERY least, this is a distraction from the true Glory of the REAL Jesus. For a brief period, instead of giving glory to Jesus himself, the people in the audience are instead looking at this person dressed as Jesus, this ICON of Jesus, this base representation. This bit of worthless dust, this man, has taken it upon himself to dress as Jesus and pull even the most tattered shred of dignity from the real thing. That just strikes me as WRONG.

So yeah, that was the experience I came away with from Church. I got the sad impression that the Christian faith has turned itself into a pack of idolaters. I was already a bit suspect of the crosses before what with having all these symbols of Christ in the house, some complete with a dead Jesus, just seemed wrong. Don’t even get me started on the whole ‘graven image’ thing. But now, just having a cross isn’t good enough. We actually have to SEE Jesus, in the flesh. As if any Christian alive today is good and pure enough of heart to deserve THAT. And what seems saddest is the fact is that it’s this kind of church that seems to be taking over the faith. If I’d gone to church and sat through a dry lecture filled with Biblical quotes and promises of damnation designed to keep people on the straight and narrow I’d have come back and wrote a glowing review. That, in my mind, is what Church is for. Church shouldn’t be about a few songs and making everyone feel good. You should walk out with a mote of sadness in your eye as you realize how you’ve wronged mankind over the previous week, not a prideful grin.

Blog Housekeeping...

Just some random housekeeping items here to share.

Firstly, for the clamoring hoards of you who just HAVE to know what I'm reading at the moment, I've added a link to my reading list at the left. Now you can read along with me. Almost time for Wuthering Heights again on our Bronte tour! Don't get left behind!

Also, I've added a link to the Tattered Thread Bible Commentary as well. Now you can see all the random Bible comments in one handy place! Isn't that adorable?!?!

The Blasted Desk

Well, suffice to say for now... the stupid thing's finally finished.



I'm only passingly fond of it but at least the door works...

Dumb All Over

Ah, I kept meaning to find a copy of this song on the old internet but I'll do one better. Here's someone's very apropos video for the song.

Oh, and the song is "Dumb All Over" by Frank Zappa from 1981. Listen to the words. Funny how appropriate it is after 25 years. Maybe things haven't changed all that much (or at all) in 25 years.

Double Oh, ignore the first 2 seconds of the video. The maker isn't... well, very friendly towards... well, it'll be obvious.

Why Bother? Randy's Response

In answer to my Why Bother? post, Randy offered an addendum. That addendum along with my response seemed like a fitting blog post in and of itself so here it is.

Randy Says (quite rightly):
You may disagree, but according to my worldview there is another purpose: Service to God. This service can take many forms. For a Christian, serving others is one way that you can serve God.

So I says(quite responsefully):

Randy,

You’re right; it’s the ‘service to God’ that I explicitly omit at the beginning of the entry. I agree that religion is THE quick and easy answer to all the nagging WHY questions. You’ll probably completely fail to believe that I actually considered religion as an answer to this quandary for myself. (Really really.) There are only several reasons why I rejected it though:

1. Which Religion to Pick? Yeah, I know, from the safe and secure harbor of a religion it’s preposterous to think that anyone could possibly have any doubt about what religion was appropriate for others. From your viewpoint as a Christian, I’m sure the answers to that are all sewn up tight. Of course the ONLY reasonable route to go would be (drum roll please): Christian! But see from the outside it’s not that easy.
   
   I know that Christians have a process whereby they ‘shop’ for churches that match their personal beliefs and that makes good, logical sense. Luckily, the field of Christian candidates is comparatively small though so you don’t have to hunt wide and far to find a decent fit. Shopping for religion in a broader sense is a much harder thing though. There’s a lot of room between Quaker and Devil Worshiper so there are a lot of variables to consider. Not the least of which is finding a religion with a local branch office and hours that are compatible with your lifestyle.
2. Overhead. If there’s one thread that recurs throughout my blog posts it’s that of the skeptic. Despite all humanity’s best efforts, I can never accept the metaphysical overhead that’s inherent in the major world religions. I’ll buy almost everything you have to sell up to a very precise point.
   
   Should we follow a standard and fair code of laws? Damn right!
   
   Should we respect each other and ourselves as much as possible? Of course!
   
   Is the Bible a good example of a set of laws by which we should live our lives? Well, not the Old Testament at least. Those people were jerks.
   
   Should we try to live up to the example of Christ and be as much like him as possible. Better than using the average NBA player as your role model.
   
   Is a benevolent and forgiving (or wrathful and generally pissed off) God looking down on us waiting to smite us or elevate us based on our actions and beliefs? Here, of course, is where it all begins to fall apart for me. Sure, there’s a single binding and all-encompassing force that rules the universe. Yeah, you heard me. I said it. It’s called the Laws of Physics. No, I don’t mean the Laws as Man writes them. Those are the shallow interpretations of the Real Laws as seen from our dustmite-like existence. No, I mean the REAL rules. The rules that all infinite Cosmos follows in its day-to-day business. In it’s dispassionate, detached, unemotional day-to-day business. It’s day-to-day business in which a man is no more important than a microbe. That’s the really terrifying part of my belief system. In my church, the universe cares not for you any more than it does the cow you ate for dinner. Your existence or lack thereof is balanced on the head of a pin and the only thing between you and oblivion is your own ability to stay alive. Sometimes that means fighting off a cold and sometimes that means playing nice with the other commuters so they don’t snap and shoot you as you drive down the freeway.
3. Hypocrisy. Lastly, I can’t adopt any mainstream religion at this point because, simply, it would be hypocritical. I’ve said very publicly for quite a while to anyone who would listen that the metaphysical aspects of religion make no sense whatsoever. There’s on new evidence on that front so to simply ‘change my mind’ on the subject would be the act of a hypocrite. I’d be very obviously letting myself hold a different opinion just for the sake of convenience. If there is a greater, judging power to the universe then I would expect such internal inconsistency to be one of the most mortal of sins.

So yes, Randy, I agree that for many people (heck, for 90% of the planet) there is a greater purpose than anything I’ve outlined. Despite your differences, most of you agree that any worldly concerns are trivial when compared to your service to God. Unfortunately, God isn’t exactly here for us to peel grapes for so in most cases ‘Service to God’ seems to boil down to either ‘Service to Humanity’ (My #1) or ‘Service to Church’ (God’s representatives on Earth). Service to Humanity I can live with but Churches, despite all their generally good intentions, are still just people. At their best, they serve as a conduit to help others and at their worst they simply help themselves to your money. So in the end, even ‘Service to God’ seems to boil down to ‘Service to Humanity’.

Why Bother?

As I sat downstairs trying to read over the din of my own thoughts I was struck hard in the face by the usual question: Why Bother to actually do anything? Why not just sit and stare at the TV or perhaps go to bed early. It made me realize that I’ve not properly laid out the reasons in my mind for actually doing any of the things I do. It seems as good a time as any since my internal dialog apparently intent on drowning out whatever it was Dickens had to relate this evening.

It would seem there is a finite and indeed VERY short list of ultimate motivations for anything a person can do. I’ll list them in order of importance as I see them and ignore (as usual) any items related to personal mythologies.

1. Service to humanity, community or the universe in general. I’ll admit that I’m pretty sure that nothing I’ve ever done has touched this level. Not that I’m against that mind you but my personal sphere of influence on this planet is just about three people and those only because I tend to control their breakfasts.
2. Service to family, friends and your genetic progeny. Almost everyone does this. Every time you wipe your child’s nose, you get credit in this category. Humans are very attached to their children; probably because they’re just so darn cute.
3. Service to self. We all REALLY do this. Every time you buy yourself a new tie or shave or study for that big algebra final so you can get a good job when you get out of college you’re dancing in three-land.
4. Merely passing the time. Every single episode of Seinfeld you’ve ever watched… yup, it’s in this basement category.
5. Negative crap. This is all the stuff you do to the detriment of humanity, family, friends and yourself. Hopefully this is kept to a minimum.

Okay, so there you have it. Everything I’ve ever done falls into one of those categories. It’s almost sad to think that human endeavor is so easily reducible to just a trivial handful of basic motivations. Now, for part two of our exercise, let’s go through the items that suck time out of my life and assign them to a category. This is sure to be ultimately depressing… In general order of total time consumed…

1. Work. Clearly a 2. It should be obvious that most people (myself included) wouldn’t work merely for the joys of working. But, we all do it so that our families will have the stuff they want. If it were just me kicking around here, I’d have a much less lucrative position involving some topic of greater interest if not greater importance.
2. Clean house, take care of kids, etc. Again, this is clearly a 2. In fact, so clearly that it’s stupid to say anything else about it.
3. Reading those damn books. I’ve tried without success to take what is a type-3 activity and promote it to something that’s actually useful. My wife has long ago tired of my random anecdotes from whatever crap I happen to be reading. I’ve even gone so far as to try to write up summaries and share some of these random tidbits online. Sadly, the results are too dull even for me to read over again. One can’t properly summarize a book without in fact writing a book of your own it would seem. (Damn the incompressibility of human knowledge.) My summary of Genesis is actually LONGER than Genesis.
   
   One could even argue that this is not even a proper type-3 activity. While it may entertain me personally, it does nothing to improve me in the eyes of society. By the standards of my contemporaries I’m already far too filled up with irrelevant information to be approachable and my conversation is amusing but only in the same sense that Napoleon Dynamite is amusing.
4. Studying… well, stuff. Over the past few years I’ve studied a lot of crap. The mathematics phase wore off about a year ago and since then it’s been languages. Much like reading those damn books though, this is only a self-serving activity. While it may entertain me, it only deepens the gulf of my geekishness.
5. Woodworking. In woodworking, the most normal of my activities, I find a brief reprieve from weird. I can also promote this to a happy type-2 activity as well since the vast majority of my productions have been for those yahoos who live downstairs. It is my hope that this at least will be my gift to my children and children’s children. They’ll have something to remember their great-grandfather for. Now see, that’s happy and uplifting now isn’t it?
6. Write on this blog thing. Of all my activities, this is probably the one I understand the least. Its use is inconsistent and slides from soul-searching (but generally uninteresting) posts like this one to dead boring tidbits about random factual topics. In a way, it’s my vague and sad attempt to do something, anything, for the world in general. Unfortunately, my voice is too soft and my soliloquy to sleepy for anyone to notice. I am like a stone dropped into a raging rapid. But really, isn’t everyone?

And I think that’s it. That’s pretty much what I do. It’s sad to think that an entire person, the endeavors of a human soul, can be summed up so succinctly and tidily.

So what do you do?

Real Spells. Real Fun. Placenta Pregnancy Delay Spell

Today’s spell from "The Element Encyclopedia of 5000 Spells. The Ultimate Reference Book for the Magical Arts."

[My comments in square brackets.]

** Spell Begins

Placenta Pregnancy Delay Spell – Hills and Valleys

Many contraceptive spells are cooperative ones between a man and a woman, with much of the action [or more likely INaction] traditionally performed by the father, as with this Cherokee ritual. If the father is unavailable or unable to do this, someone else may be delegated by the mother to perform the spell. This spell is intended to prevent pregnancy following too quickly upon the heels of a birth. The spell must be cast immediately following that first birth.

1. Carry the placenta, with respect and reverence [meaning: at arms length as far from the face as possible], far from home. [preferably to the home of your in-laws]
2. Ideally several hills are crossed, with each hill representing another year before a new baby is born. (If there are no hills, designate and articulate other landmarks as substitutes.) [how convenient] Consider how many hills to cross. [you’ll have plenty of time to think as you walk around with this rotting placenta in your arms]
3. When the proper destination has been found, the placenta is buried in Earth.

** Spell Ends

Alright, well as grotesque as this spell is, I can see some truth hiding here. I’m pretty sure that if I walked around carrying a placenta that my wife wouldn’t want anything to do with me for a while either.

Real Spells. Real Fun. Trap-A-Vampire

Here we go... just in time for the Holidays, it's the spell I know you'll all need tomorrow.
[My Comments in square brackets. See yesterday's post for the back story on this.]

** Spell Begins
Trap-A-Vampire Spell

Vampires, like genies, may be trapped in bottles. Choose a glass or metal bottle; presumably the vampire can bite through a plastic one. This spell works on the same principle as a fly-trap. [Whoa now, slow down a minute. Presumably? I'm here bottling the undead and you're hitting me with your 'presumptions' about the equipment? You'd best have this all properly planned out before I go tracking down Nosferatu. It's crap instructions like these that get people eaten alive.]

1. Place some kind of food the vampire likes inside the bottle, but not blood. [And how, exactly, am I supposed to ascertain this little nugget of information? Shall I ask? Perhaps present him with a menu? It's a vampire. All it friggin' EATS is blood. Jeeze.]
This spell works on a vampire who is understood to have once been a regular person with predilections for human food. [Oh, so a former human then. Aren't MOST vampires supposed to be former humans? And last I checked, most HUMANS have a natural taste for HUMAN food. It's pretty natural. Dogs... Dog Food... yeah, see how that works?]
Find something particularly tempting and put it in the bottle. [... and then prepare to die. So yeah, figure out what ELSE the vampire might like to eat besides human blood and put in the bottle. Damn! That's so simple. Sure hope 'ole Dracula had a taste for food small enough to FIT into a stinkin' bottle. Somehow I'd feel more comfortable with a box, a stick and a few feet of string. At least you can FIT a meal into a Wile-E-Coyote style box trap.]

2. You will know when the vampire is in the bottle when you observe a bit of straw of fluff within. [Assuming, of course, that you cleaned out the bottle in the first place. You'd sure hate to mistake a bit of belly button lint for the undead. Imagine your embarrassment.] Seal the bottle up securely. [After you've snuck up on bottle so the lint can't see you, plug the top with some of that watermelon you couldn't fit into the bottle in the first place.]

3. The bottle and the vampire may be destroyed by throwing the sealed bottle into a fire. [Crap. But then I'll lose my 5 cent deposit. Screw it, those villagers can just watch out for themselves.]

** Spell Ends

It's exactly this reason that it's EXTREMELY important to keep track of all your friend's favorite foods. You never know when you may need to tempt them into a bottle and trap them.

Tomorrow's Spell: Placenta Pregnancy Delay Spell