I often wonder how different the world would be if human males were more like male honeybees. Most male bees never actually get to have sex at all. They wander around looking for queens to inseminate for their entire lives. In this way, they are a lot like some human males. There are also the lucky bees though. These lottery winners of life actually find a woman, get to have sex, ejaculate, tear off their own penises, leave it stuck in the female’s vagina and then explode with an audible POP.
The obvious question in the reader’s mind will no doubt be a resounding and audible “Ewwwww, WHY?” Well, when your species doesn’t afford a lot of opportunity for you to have sex, this makes perfect sense. Most males never find a mate so when they do get that lucky, any act, no matter how self-destructive, can help their genes have a better chance of fathering the next generation of bees. Having a disembodied penis broken off in your vagina does have a definite negative effect on a female’s ability to accommodate the next lucky guy.
Only problem with this is that the female objects to this attempt at enforced monogamy. She only mates for a short time during her youth and after that she just uses sperm from that one fling to create an entire hive of bees. She’s got a lot invested in that one fling so if she only gets to mate with one male and that male happens to be genetically incompatible with her then she’s in deep trouble. She could spend the rest of her life turning out complete duds.
The other ‘only’ problem of course is the thousands of other male bees that want to have sex with the queen. Until they can figure out how to defeat the dismembered penis of suitor #1, they’re out of luck. Well, luckily for all involved, they’ve evolved an answer to the conundrum.. The male honeybee’s penis has an apparatus on it that happens to be just the right size and shape for prying a little tiny penis out of a female’s vagina. So suitor #2 simply approaches the queen, does a little light cleaning and then proceeds with copulation. It’s just the sort of odd foreplay that we’ve no doubt come to expect from the animal kingdom.
Luckily for humans, most other animals have less explosive devices for promoting their sperm over those of the ‘other’ guy. Many rodents produce a rubbery plug which they inject into the female to seal up the entrance after they copulate. To counteract this process, some species have evolved a prehensile penis to remove the plug (which they then eat to get a tasty pre-sex snack) and clear the way for his own sperm. Any attempt to apply these images and techniques to your own sex life is most strongly not recommended.
Bibliography
Judson, Olivia, Dr. Tatiana’s Sex advice to all creation,
Metropolitan Books, Henry Holt and Company, New York, 2002.
3 comments:
A prehensile Penis would be great to have when you need an extra hand in the kitchen.
Or when tying a Bow.
Yeah, but would anyone be willing to eat what you'd cooked or accept your gifts?
prehensible? Hrm. I guess that's the penis BEFORE it becomes REprehensible.
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