Note: This post is an extension of a previous (and more vitriolic) post that covered the same basic topic earlier today. I find this version to be a bit less abrasive but significantly more preachy. Take it for what you will... As I was sitting in the family vehicle waiting for my wife to come out of yonder shopping establishment I heard one of those idiotic jewelry commercials on the radio. It seems, gentlemen, that a lot is riding on this year's Christmas present. If you don't make it down to Jared or the Shane Company before the day ends then you might as well forget any hope for a happy new year. And you can be assured that on December 26th when your honey goes back to work she's going to be telling ALL her friends about what a crappy husband you are if you don't get her something in that 'little burgundy box'... or is it light blue? Well, whatever the case, it had better be a little box and it better be colorful.
So to hear the local purveyor of high-cost, low-sentiment gifts tell it, the difference between a ‘good’ husband and a ‘bad’ husband can be found in how much he spends on you. It seems that the criteria for a proper marriage are all forgotten in the glitz of the latest ‘bling.’ Initially I thought this was all a bunch of marketing hype and that nobody could honestly think that way. That was until I mentioned this to my wife and she confirmed the awful truth. Apparently this *IS* the way some people think. So when the woman in the Jared commercial says, “I just want a man who’ll get me something from Jared,” that’s really someone’s idea of a good husband. Listen, I’m no expert but if that’s really the case then your standards are too damn low. Prepare yourselves for what I like to call: Rob’s Christmas Rant. You can thank those damn jewelry commercials for the topic.
OK, ladies, a good husband comes in three parts and none of them have anything to do with his wallet… or his pants… or his ‘bod’ or anything else. After you’ve been married 40 years all that crap goes south anyway so it’s not really worth worrying about it. No, what you need is a man who…
1. Listens
Of the three parts of marriage, listening is the easiest to do but also the most often screwed up. So, ladies, you just got home from a long and annoying day at work. Your boss gave you an impossible assignment and your co-workers were a bunch of helpless morons. Being a woman the first thing you want to do is talk about it; you want to work through the day in words and settle things in your mind. Not because you expect immediate answers but because talking about it makes you feel better and it’s therapeutic. The average husband comes home, generally with the same issues, and all he wants to do is go hide in the garage or on the computer or in front the television. So when you get home you tend immediately to go in different directions.
The difference between ‘good’ husband and ‘bad’ husband is simple. Good husband listens to what went on in his wife’s day. He participates in the discussion, offers insight and provides help where he can. He offers information about his own day and commiserates where possible and sticks with it no matter how long it takes because his wife’s happiness is important to him. Bad husband… well, he turns up the TV when you start to talk or says, “I have work to do, we’ll talk about it later.” Bad husband puts his own needs over those of his wife and often doesn’t even make an effort to listen to what’s going on in his wife’s life.
2. Thinks
The second part of being a good husband is the most complicated and almost every husband screws this up at least once in a while. Ladies, you need a husband who, when he does something, he takes a moment to think about how that impacts you. This is best illustrated by example. A good husband realizes that when he works late, he’s making his wife work late too, especially if you have kids. Similarly, he knows that when he fails to do his part around the house it’s generally the wife who has to pick up the slack. He knows that marriage is a zero-sum game and every liberty he takes is balanced by a sacrifice from you. The husband you want recognizes this and does whatever he can to make sure you don’t have to sacrifice your life and happiness because of his own selfish endeavors.
3. Acts
All too often men think that the third part of being a good husband is all there is to it and spend too much of their effort here. Ladies, you need husbands who realize that the outward physical and material acts of affection are merely the icing on the cake. A diamond ring is fine but until your man actually loves you enough to sit down on the couch and listen to you rant about your day, all you really have is a bit of jewelry. Further, the man of your dreams needs to realize that the gift is not nearly as important as the sentiment behind it. Those $10,000 earrings are nice but would they mean more to you than jewelry box he spent six solid months making for you?
***
When my wife got back to the car we talked about the commercial and I asked her what she thought of as the ‘perfect husband.’ As usual, she merely flattered me with her selection but in the end she settled on the simple definition of: “a friend.” I think there’s a lot of truth wrapped up in that simple statement. Good married couples may not start out friends, she says, but they end up that way. Each considers the needs of the other and does whatever they can to make sure those needs are filled.
Selfishness leads only down a path of resentment. One partner harms the other inadvertently by their selfishness and the other resents it. They in turn take some small revenge and the cycle continues until everyone’s miserable. Luckily though, kindness rolls downhill just as fast. For example, if I make a special effort to ensure the house is in order when her friends come over then she might respond later by making my favorite meal unexpectedly. Feeling the benevolence from that I do her another good turn later and before you know it we’re falling all over each other trying to please each other. Doesn’t that sound like fun? And to think it all started with such a simple act that took an hour out of my day.
More important, perhaps, than any of this is the mere act of kind, simple, honest communication. For example, my wife told me that she related the story of our second date to one of her friends recently. In the story the waitress comes and takes our order but for whatever reason I refused to look at her. When the waitress leaves, my wife asked me, “Why didn’t you look at the waitress?” My wife’s friend was aghast at this. “You asked him that and it was only your second date? He must have really liked something about you to stay with you!” Most people, it seems, would have just decided that I was some kind of weirdo and never bothered with a third date. My wife on the other hand, asked me about the problem and helped me correct it. The same concept works in the other direction as well but the point is simply that you can’t expect your life with someone to get any better unless you tell them when things bother you. If you’re watching a movie and he gets himself a bowl of popcorn but nothing for you then saying, “Honey, I’m kinda hurt that you didn’t offer me any popcorn” is wonderfully effective. To a large extent we shape our mates; if you expect him to help more around the house then tell him so. If you expect her to keep the kids busy while you mow the lawn then tell her. Good spouses aren’t born, they’re made.
These things, I suspect, you will find much more beneficial to your married happiness than any amount of Christmas bling. And you can tell the jeweler I said so.
